Ingredient #6 - Selflessness - (Love - Part 8)

"...it does not seek its own..."

I Corinthians 13:5

Mmmmm...that last piece of pie.  It looks so good and it's calling your name.  

When you offer it to the other person at the table you feel like you've really sacrificed something, giving up your desire to please them.  Wow.  That's love, isn't it?

Well, it actually is loving to sacrificially put the needs of another person before your own, but I have to admit - as sacrificial as giving up a piece of pie seems at the moment, it is hardly a true picture of sacrificial love.  The definition we use at Harvest of love is pretty simple but clearly defines this sacrificial love - You Before Me.  When you love someone, you put their needs before your own - or as Paul put it in I Corinthians, you do not seek your own.  

Your own what? (I can hear you asking it already - finish the sentence!)

You own way.

The NIV puts it this way - "..is not self-seeking..."  Love does not seek its own way, but lays down it's "way" for the other.  Our sixth ingredient in our reduction sauce of love is selflessness.  You before me, your way before mine, sacrificially putting the other before yourself.  True love.

Okay, let's flesh this out - Jesus first.  Romans 5:8 says it all:  "But God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us."  Putting our need for restoration and salvation, Jesus laid down His rights and exchanged places with us.  Even in the garden you seem Him wrestle - not with doing what was right or wrong but with the reality of being separated from the Father and bearing His wrath alone.  But love did not seek its own way - Jesus did not put Himself first, nor did He count the cost and walk away.  He laid down His life for His enemies - for us.

Jesus' example makes the real life situations that we face seem rather petty, but we need to see what this looks like on an every day basis for the average Joe Christian, so here goes:

• Why do mother's sacrificially give up sleep for their babies?  For the love of a helpless child - putting that child's needs before herself. (Okay, Kristen, that one was easy...)
• Have you ever worn an old pair of jeans so that your children or husband could have a new pair? (Again, Kristen, that's not that big of a deal...)
• Have you ever given up a night out so that you could care for your neighbor's children while they have dinner out? Or offered to babysit for free so someone could go to a parenting conference at the church?  Or gave your night-out money to your sister who really needed the oil changed in her car? (Okay, meeting someone's needs is fine...)
• How easily do you give up the remote?  What about when your opinion doesn't matter?  How do you respond when plans are made without you?  How do you feel when you're passed over for a leadership position, a ministry opportunity, a job or a part in a play?  Do you get frustrated when you don't like what's on the radio? (Hey, don't mess with my remote!)  
• Do you get angry when people aren't grateful for what you do?  Does it irritate you to wait for others?  Do you quicken your step when walking into a restaurant to beat the other couple walking from the parking lot?  Do you serve yourself at dinner before others can choose their portion?  (For the love, I get it! I get it!)

At the heart of man is a selfish will that listens to the world when it tells you to stick up for yourself because no one else will - "You deserve a break today", "You're worth it", "Me before You!"  I've even heard it said, "God helps those who help themselves!"  But what God has exampled for us and what God demands from us is a self - LESS love.  

So, once again, we find ourselves in a test mode - start with those in your immediate reach.  For a few days, live your life as usual, but when you go to bed at night, think about your actions, your words, your expressions, your feelings - were they selfless or selfish?  After a few days, you may find that you may find it necessary to double or triple this ingredient in your sauce.

Patience, kindness, contentment, humility, graciousness and selflessness...take a deep breath and let the sweet aroma of this combination fill your mind.  But wait, we're not even halfway through the recipe...

Ingredient #5 - Graciousness (Love - Part 7)

"...does not act unbecomingly..."

I Corinthians 13:5

Are you a gracious person?

Not sure how to answer that, are you? Well, test yourself:

• How do you respond when someone cuts you off while driving?
• What do you tip a bad waitress?
• How well do you forgive when someone hurts you?  purposefully?  repeatedly?
• What is your preferred method of confrontation,  bludgeoning or with kindness?
• When you're angry, what does it look like?  
• When you're taken advantage of, when you're overlooked, when your rights are violated, when you're reviled, when you're mocked and despised, how do you respond?

I think you get the picture.  As citizens of a free country, we have inalienable rights - life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And if those rights are stepped on or violated, we have the right to bear arms - in other words, we have the right to fight for what is ours.

Our fifth ingredient is graciousness which does not act unbecomingly or ugly - you know, that ugliness that appears only we've been pushed to our limit.  But God says that true love doesn't ever act ugly, instead, it is gracious - or better put: full of grace. 

Let's look at Jesus first. John 1:17 says, "For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth were realized through Jesus Christ."  The law was truth alone - no grace.  Just a thorough pounding of God's standards and our inability to maintain them.  The law was painful to realize - it was the prosecuting attorney, judge ,jury and prison system all wrapped up in 613 commands.  

But Jesus was not simply the fulfillment of the law; He was also grace.  Jesus spoke truth with compassion.  He understood we could never live the law, so in gracious love, He lived out the law and then paid the punishment of the law on our behalf. This is how grace and truth were realized in Jesus Christ - His willingness to lay aside His rights and become the sacrifice for the lost proves to us that the law (or truth) required a high price and Jesus was willing to pay it.

Look at how gracious our Savior is:

• "...while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously..." I Peter 2:23
• "...who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men...He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross..." Phil. 2:6-8
• "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for our sake became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich." II Cor. 8:9

So love does not act ugly - Jesus, because of His great love for us, did not model selfishness or ugly outbursts of anger, or road rage, or sourness, or competitiveness.  He never yelled at a ref, cursed in his car, demanded His rights or even defended Himself during His trials.  He never shook a fist, flipped a finger, allowed His face to turn red or spewed out words that were R-rated.  He was the model of self-control but greater than that, He was gracious - marked by kindness and courtesy, tact and delicacy, charm and good taste (according to our above definition).

So do your words edify or tear down? (Eph. 4:30-32)  Are they kind and courteous?  Do you easily set aside your rights or are you that quintessential ugly American, who demands his rights wherever he goes?  Yes, we are to love even our enemies, but let's just use this litmus test in our families.  With your parents, to your children, with your spouse, to your siblings - are your words gracious?  Do they show compassion and kindness?

When stress and temptation push our buttons, God wants us to respond in love - a love that is not ugly but rather gracious, kind and attractive...ugly love is not really love at all.

Ingredient # 4 - Humility (Love - part 6)

"...love does not brag and is not arrogant..."

I Corinthians 13:4

These next two actions go together and in the negative we see that we are to put off arrogance but in the positive, we can put it this way - love is humble.  It doesn't brag and it's not arrogant.  In the life of Jesus, this is a very easy picture to paint.  If anyone in the history of the world had cause to brag, it would have been Jesus, right?  

I don't know how many times I've used the line with my children, "I brought you into this world and I and can take you out!"  Of course, it was in a joking manner but the point was to remind them who they were talking to.  Jesus could have used that line and meant it but He never did.  Jesus created the world He stooped down to save, but He was not the picture of arrogance, but rather the picture of humility. He always put the needs of others before Himself as an act of humility, not pride or arrogance. He didn't demand respect but instead gave of Himself to serve. Imagine each scene below and note how you picture Jesus:

• protecting Moses from His blinding glory
• allowing Jacob to limp away from a wrestling match with his dignity in tact
• choosing to discuss with Abraham the future of Sodom and Gomorrah
• washing the feet of his disciples
• healing Peter's mother-in-law's fever
• touching rotting and decaying lepers
• stopping to acknowledge the hemorrhaging woman
• calling down the tax collector from a tree
• allowing the prostitute to wash his feet with her tears
• healing the ear of the soldier who was leading Him into captivity
• refusing to demand equality with God, but instead emptying Himself to the point of suffering death on a cross

I could go on and on but I think you get the point. The Almighty Creator set aside His rights and humbly served because of His great love.  Love is nothing without humility.  Let me show you how this fleshes itself out in every day living:

• Have you ever had to wash up a parent after they had an "accident"?  Love says, you did this for me for years, I can do this now for you.
• Have you ever given up your seat at church so a family could all sit in the same row? Love says, just because I was here first, isn't a reason to turn a blind eye.
• Have you ever planned your own birthday party because your family was too busy to remember? Love says, my birthday is just another opportunity to love on my family.
• Have you ever had your plans interrupted, your advice tossed aside or your needs overlooked?  Love says, I'm flexible, I'm still here and my needs are met by Jesus already.
• Have you ever been praised, cheered on or highly esteemed?  Love says, I'm simply using my gifts to glorify the Lord. 

Love is not arrogant and does not brag.  It doesn't say, "Don't you know who I am?  Don't you remember what I said?  Don't you know what I'm capable of doing?  Haven't you already seen my greatness? Look at me!"  Rather it says, You before me.  It is a humbling thing to lay down your rights to put the needs of others before you.  

But that's exactly what Jesus did.

He is a King Who became a sacrifice.

As we add ingredients to our love reduction sauce, don't skimp on the humility.  The purest place to find this ingredient is at the foot of the cross. When we compare ourselves to other people, we typically think too highly of ourselves. But when we look at ourselves in light of the cross - when we compare ourself to God - humility should naturally flow from our veins...it's not a hard ingredient to find when you're being honest about yourself before a holy God.  

So spend a lot of time with the Lord and watch your pot fill with humility...

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant...

(What wondrous love is this, O my soul...)

Ingredient #3 - Omit Jealousy (Love - Part 5)

"...and is not jealous;"

I Corinthians 13:4

Ingredient #3 is actually an ingredient that we need to omit from our savory reduction love sauce - jealousy.  Jealousy is basically feeling resentment because of another person's rivalry, success or advantages.  Another way to put it - having negative feelings over another's success or life.

Jealousy is one of those ample ingredients that comes in our sin nature - covetousness and jealousy are twin sins that have no place in love.  They break down the purity of love and turn love into something God never intended it to be.

Let's start with God.  This is going to be tricky because guess what?  God is a jealous God. (Deut 4:24). Are you confused yet?  I guess we need to understand how God can be jealous but we aren't allowed to be.

First, God's jealousy is holy and righteous. It does not flow from sin but from holiness. It is not a competitive resentment because of another person's success or life.  It is a pure desire for our undistracted attention.  God does not want us to worship anything but Him.  When our hearts are turned away towards other idols, God jealously pursues us because He knows that in our pursuit of other idols, we will be hurt.  Anything that takes our attention away from God will hurt us in the end and God loves us enough to be jealous of our attention for our own good.

So the only jealousy that is acceptable is a righteous jealousy that is concerned over the holiness of another.  It doesn't produce negative, competitive, angry emotions but produces concern, love and a pursuit for righteousness in another's life.

Sinful jealousy puts the need of self before others.  David was jealous of another man's choice of wife, so he stole, lied and murdered to get what he wanted. (II Samuel 11)   Rachel was jealous of her sisters fertility so she whined, complained, threatened, connived and bought her husband's affections in her search for happiness. (Genesis 30).  Joseph's brothers were jealous of their father's love and they beat up and sold their brother into slavery (Genesis 37).  Achan was jealous of the wealth of the Canaanites and he disobeyed God, stole, hid, lied which resulted in the death of his fellow soldiers, and eventually he himself was killed for it (Joshua7).  Jealousy did not produce righteousness in any of these people's lives but instead caused sin to reign, thus bringing sobering. painful consequences into the lives of all these characters.

So we need to go and get our long-handled strainer - you know, the one with the holes in the ladle - and reach down into that pot and strain out all the jealousy.  We have to put it off and put on contentment and gratitude in its place. Here are a few examples of what that looks like:

• I can love my neighbor, even though they have nicer stuff than I do - BECAUSE God is my Father and I will steward what He has placed in my care and be grateful for what I have
• I can love my step daughter without competing for her father's attention - BECAUSE I am secure in the love of my heavenly Father and I know how important it is for a father to spend time with his children and I am thankful that I married a man who loves his children
• I can love my enemy, even when they seem to prosper and succeed while I struggle - BECAUSE I know that God causes all things in my life to work together to conform me into the image of His Son and so this struggle is for my good and I am thankful for it
• I can love my husband as he participates in his hobbies BECAUSE I trust my heavenly Father is working in his life and I understand that he needs an outlet for the pressures of life and his hobby is something that brings him joy and I am thankful that he is happy
• I can love my parents, even when they seem to pay more attention to my siblings BECAUSE I understand that the love I need flows freely from God the Father and I am an instrument of His unconditional love to be used for His glory and I am thankful that I have parents to love 

Remember, friends, life is not a competition.  We aren't held in high esteem in God's eyes because of our talents or our possessions.  Maybe we're not the shiniest penny in the jar or maybe we don't have abs of steel or maybe we can't sing like a bird - God holds us in high esteem because of what Jesus did to purchase us.  We are precious because we are covered in the righteousness of Jesus and our sins have been removed from our account.  Jealousy only thinks about self but contentment and gratitude puts our eyes on Jesus.  

Let's review:  

• Love is patient, bearing the hardships and delays of life with a calm, you-before-me attitude
• Love is kind, a considerate, helpful and generous way of putting others before yourself
• And it is not jealous, so it doesn't react negatively to other's choices, successes or life experiences but rather is grateful and content with where they are, still putting others before self

The water should be starting to boil a bit. Let's wait until we get a few more ingredients in the pot and for the full boil before we turn it down to simmer...