Ingredient #5 - Graciousness (Love - Part 7)

"...does not act unbecomingly..."

I Corinthians 13:5

Are you a gracious person?

Not sure how to answer that, are you? Well, test yourself:

• How do you respond when someone cuts you off while driving?
• What do you tip a bad waitress?
• How well do you forgive when someone hurts you?  purposefully?  repeatedly?
• What is your preferred method of confrontation,  bludgeoning or with kindness?
• When you're angry, what does it look like?  
• When you're taken advantage of, when you're overlooked, when your rights are violated, when you're reviled, when you're mocked and despised, how do you respond?

I think you get the picture.  As citizens of a free country, we have inalienable rights - life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And if those rights are stepped on or violated, we have the right to bear arms - in other words, we have the right to fight for what is ours.

Our fifth ingredient is graciousness which does not act unbecomingly or ugly - you know, that ugliness that appears only we've been pushed to our limit.  But God says that true love doesn't ever act ugly, instead, it is gracious - or better put: full of grace. 

Let's look at Jesus first. John 1:17 says, "For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth were realized through Jesus Christ."  The law was truth alone - no grace.  Just a thorough pounding of God's standards and our inability to maintain them.  The law was painful to realize - it was the prosecuting attorney, judge ,jury and prison system all wrapped up in 613 commands.  

But Jesus was not simply the fulfillment of the law; He was also grace.  Jesus spoke truth with compassion.  He understood we could never live the law, so in gracious love, He lived out the law and then paid the punishment of the law on our behalf. This is how grace and truth were realized in Jesus Christ - His willingness to lay aside His rights and become the sacrifice for the lost proves to us that the law (or truth) required a high price and Jesus was willing to pay it.

Look at how gracious our Savior is:

• "...while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously..." I Peter 2:23
• "...who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men...He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross..." Phil. 2:6-8
• "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for our sake became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich." II Cor. 8:9

So love does not act ugly - Jesus, because of His great love for us, did not model selfishness or ugly outbursts of anger, or road rage, or sourness, or competitiveness.  He never yelled at a ref, cursed in his car, demanded His rights or even defended Himself during His trials.  He never shook a fist, flipped a finger, allowed His face to turn red or spewed out words that were R-rated.  He was the model of self-control but greater than that, He was gracious - marked by kindness and courtesy, tact and delicacy, charm and good taste (according to our above definition).

So do your words edify or tear down? (Eph. 4:30-32)  Are they kind and courteous?  Do you easily set aside your rights or are you that quintessential ugly American, who demands his rights wherever he goes?  Yes, we are to love even our enemies, but let's just use this litmus test in our families.  With your parents, to your children, with your spouse, to your siblings - are your words gracious?  Do they show compassion and kindness?

When stress and temptation push our buttons, God wants us to respond in love - a love that is not ugly but rather gracious, kind and attractive...ugly love is not really love at all.

Ingredient # 4 - Humility (Love - part 6)

"...love does not brag and is not arrogant..."

I Corinthians 13:4

These next two actions go together and in the negative we see that we are to put off arrogance but in the positive, we can put it this way - love is humble.  It doesn't brag and it's not arrogant.  In the life of Jesus, this is a very easy picture to paint.  If anyone in the history of the world had cause to brag, it would have been Jesus, right?  

I don't know how many times I've used the line with my children, "I brought you into this world and I and can take you out!"  Of course, it was in a joking manner but the point was to remind them who they were talking to.  Jesus could have used that line and meant it but He never did.  Jesus created the world He stooped down to save, but He was not the picture of arrogance, but rather the picture of humility. He always put the needs of others before Himself as an act of humility, not pride or arrogance. He didn't demand respect but instead gave of Himself to serve. Imagine each scene below and note how you picture Jesus:

• protecting Moses from His blinding glory
• allowing Jacob to limp away from a wrestling match with his dignity in tact
• choosing to discuss with Abraham the future of Sodom and Gomorrah
• washing the feet of his disciples
• healing Peter's mother-in-law's fever
• touching rotting and decaying lepers
• stopping to acknowledge the hemorrhaging woman
• calling down the tax collector from a tree
• allowing the prostitute to wash his feet with her tears
• healing the ear of the soldier who was leading Him into captivity
• refusing to demand equality with God, but instead emptying Himself to the point of suffering death on a cross

I could go on and on but I think you get the point. The Almighty Creator set aside His rights and humbly served because of His great love.  Love is nothing without humility.  Let me show you how this fleshes itself out in every day living:

• Have you ever had to wash up a parent after they had an "accident"?  Love says, you did this for me for years, I can do this now for you.
• Have you ever given up your seat at church so a family could all sit in the same row? Love says, just because I was here first, isn't a reason to turn a blind eye.
• Have you ever planned your own birthday party because your family was too busy to remember? Love says, my birthday is just another opportunity to love on my family.
• Have you ever had your plans interrupted, your advice tossed aside or your needs overlooked?  Love says, I'm flexible, I'm still here and my needs are met by Jesus already.
• Have you ever been praised, cheered on or highly esteemed?  Love says, I'm simply using my gifts to glorify the Lord. 

Love is not arrogant and does not brag.  It doesn't say, "Don't you know who I am?  Don't you remember what I said?  Don't you know what I'm capable of doing?  Haven't you already seen my greatness? Look at me!"  Rather it says, You before me.  It is a humbling thing to lay down your rights to put the needs of others before you.  

But that's exactly what Jesus did.

He is a King Who became a sacrifice.

As we add ingredients to our love reduction sauce, don't skimp on the humility.  The purest place to find this ingredient is at the foot of the cross. When we compare ourselves to other people, we typically think too highly of ourselves. But when we look at ourselves in light of the cross - when we compare ourself to God - humility should naturally flow from our veins...it's not a hard ingredient to find when you're being honest about yourself before a holy God.  

So spend a lot of time with the Lord and watch your pot fill with humility...

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant...

(What wondrous love is this, O my soul...)

Ingredient #3 - Omit Jealousy (Love - Part 5)

"...and is not jealous;"

I Corinthians 13:4

Ingredient #3 is actually an ingredient that we need to omit from our savory reduction love sauce - jealousy.  Jealousy is basically feeling resentment because of another person's rivalry, success or advantages.  Another way to put it - having negative feelings over another's success or life.

Jealousy is one of those ample ingredients that comes in our sin nature - covetousness and jealousy are twin sins that have no place in love.  They break down the purity of love and turn love into something God never intended it to be.

Let's start with God.  This is going to be tricky because guess what?  God is a jealous God. (Deut 4:24). Are you confused yet?  I guess we need to understand how God can be jealous but we aren't allowed to be.

First, God's jealousy is holy and righteous. It does not flow from sin but from holiness. It is not a competitive resentment because of another person's success or life.  It is a pure desire for our undistracted attention.  God does not want us to worship anything but Him.  When our hearts are turned away towards other idols, God jealously pursues us because He knows that in our pursuit of other idols, we will be hurt.  Anything that takes our attention away from God will hurt us in the end and God loves us enough to be jealous of our attention for our own good.

So the only jealousy that is acceptable is a righteous jealousy that is concerned over the holiness of another.  It doesn't produce negative, competitive, angry emotions but produces concern, love and a pursuit for righteousness in another's life.

Sinful jealousy puts the need of self before others.  David was jealous of another man's choice of wife, so he stole, lied and murdered to get what he wanted. (II Samuel 11)   Rachel was jealous of her sisters fertility so she whined, complained, threatened, connived and bought her husband's affections in her search for happiness. (Genesis 30).  Joseph's brothers were jealous of their father's love and they beat up and sold their brother into slavery (Genesis 37).  Achan was jealous of the wealth of the Canaanites and he disobeyed God, stole, hid, lied which resulted in the death of his fellow soldiers, and eventually he himself was killed for it (Joshua7).  Jealousy did not produce righteousness in any of these people's lives but instead caused sin to reign, thus bringing sobering. painful consequences into the lives of all these characters.

So we need to go and get our long-handled strainer - you know, the one with the holes in the ladle - and reach down into that pot and strain out all the jealousy.  We have to put it off and put on contentment and gratitude in its place. Here are a few examples of what that looks like:

• I can love my neighbor, even though they have nicer stuff than I do - BECAUSE God is my Father and I will steward what He has placed in my care and be grateful for what I have
• I can love my step daughter without competing for her father's attention - BECAUSE I am secure in the love of my heavenly Father and I know how important it is for a father to spend time with his children and I am thankful that I married a man who loves his children
• I can love my enemy, even when they seem to prosper and succeed while I struggle - BECAUSE I know that God causes all things in my life to work together to conform me into the image of His Son and so this struggle is for my good and I am thankful for it
• I can love my husband as he participates in his hobbies BECAUSE I trust my heavenly Father is working in his life and I understand that he needs an outlet for the pressures of life and his hobby is something that brings him joy and I am thankful that he is happy
• I can love my parents, even when they seem to pay more attention to my siblings BECAUSE I understand that the love I need flows freely from God the Father and I am an instrument of His unconditional love to be used for His glory and I am thankful that I have parents to love 

Remember, friends, life is not a competition.  We aren't held in high esteem in God's eyes because of our talents or our possessions.  Maybe we're not the shiniest penny in the jar or maybe we don't have abs of steel or maybe we can't sing like a bird - God holds us in high esteem because of what Jesus did to purchase us.  We are precious because we are covered in the righteousness of Jesus and our sins have been removed from our account.  Jealousy only thinks about self but contentment and gratitude puts our eyes on Jesus.  

Let's review:  

• Love is patient, bearing the hardships and delays of life with a calm, you-before-me attitude
• Love is kind, a considerate, helpful and generous way of putting others before yourself
• And it is not jealous, so it doesn't react negatively to other's choices, successes or life experiences but rather is grateful and content with where they are, still putting others before self

The water should be starting to boil a bit. Let's wait until we get a few more ingredients in the pot and for the full boil before we turn it down to simmer...

Ingredient #2 - Kindness (Love - Part 4)

"...love is kind..."

I Corinthians 13:4

If she said it once, my mother said it a thousand times - "You treat your friends better than your sisters!"  Now, I can quote my mom here or I can own the statement, as I'm sure my children have heard this declaration leap from my lips in the past.  But it's a very true statement - families tend to treat others with more kindness than they treat themselves.

Really, Kristen?  I don't think that happens in our home.

How about a few examples?

• Do your children fight over where they sit in the car?  Do they fight with their friends over where they sit in their car? at school? when the friend comes over to your house?
• Last doughnut in the box on the kitchen counter.  Do your children offer it to their siblings or snatch it away without a thought?  How about when a friend is over?  Do they offer the doughnut to them first?
• Do your children call each other names? Do they call their friends those same names?
• Okay, time to really get personal - wives...how quick are you to forgive your husband?  Do you need a cool down time so that he can sit in the awareness of what he's done to you?  How about with friends? Do you forgive quickly when they ask forgiveness or do you make them suffer a bit, too?
• Husbands - are you as impatient with your co-workers when they tell you a story as you are with your wife when you get home?  Do you turn up the volume on your computer when they're talking to you, like you do on the television when you're wife is talking to you?
• Believers - why is it easier to forgive and extend kindness towards an unbeliever but when someone in the church hurts you, you struggle to get over it?  

The second ingredient we are now going to add to our pot is kindness.  Kindness is defined as being considerate, helpful and generous by nature.  So what are some acts of kindness?

• giving up your seat on a crowded bus to a pregnant woman
• picking up the tab for dinner when out with friends or inviting someone to your home for dinner
• doing something to be helpful for someone in your house - cleaning, organizing, reading, finding, washing, editing, head-massaging (I threw that in just in case my daughters were reading this)
• using edifying words rather than critical words

So, considerate, helpful and generous acts of kindness should flow out of your love.  It's easy to love our friends, because we don't live with them.  But day in and day out, through the good and the bad, to show kindness to our family when sometimes they are just downright annoying - that's true love.  And showing kindness to our enemies?  Is that even possible?

By the way, kindness has been modeled to you:

• "The Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His deeds." (Psalms 145:17)
• "For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared,  He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy..." (Titus 3:3-5) 
• ^"Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" (Romans 2:4)

God is considerate (sending His Son), helpful (sending His Son) and generous by nature (sending His Son).  His kindness towards us leads us to repentance and salvation. And remember, even while we were His enemies, Jesus died for us (Romans 5:10).  So if we desire to imitate Christ and be conformed into His image, we need to foster a considerate, helpful generosity towards not just our friends and family, but also towards our enemies.

A person who has experienced the kindness of God has the ability ( through the power of the Holy Spirit), the desire (to be like Jesus) and the motivation (glorify the Father) to be kind. It's a gospel concept, friends.  Choose to be kind.  

Choose to be considerate of all people - after all, they are image bearers of God, just as you are.  Don't grab that last doughnut, don't hog the remote and don't push your way to the front of the line.  Put others before yourself - be considerate of others feelings, circumstances and limitations.

Choose to be helpful - last week I saw an elderly man frantically searching the pharmacy shelves for something.  After a few minutes, I walked over to him and asked if I could help him find something.  Of course, as my life would have it, he needed to find the stool softener - but in God's gracious timing, it was right within my reach and that awkward moment was over quickly.  But it was an act of kindness - seeing a need and being helpful - being the arms of Jesus.   Friends, be aware of your surroundings and be helpful.  

And finally, choose to be generous - with your time, your money, your energy, your smiles and hugs, your home, your talents and your life.  You have been greatly provided for and as you steward His resources, be generous with them.  

Kindness like this is only going to make your love richer, deeper and more Christ-like.